babies were throwing up all over the place
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.