I'm so fucking centered right now
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
