No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?