Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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