I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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