dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
