I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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