What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
