I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
