I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
