You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
