I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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