My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
