I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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