P.S. I can't hear my feet
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
