And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
