just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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