i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
