Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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