I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
