Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
