Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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