just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
