thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
