cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
