I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
