i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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