my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Drunk is not a location!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
