i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
