haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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