mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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