Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
