Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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