I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.