I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
