there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
