Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
