I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
