I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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