you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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