so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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