I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
