tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
