ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
