if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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