This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
