Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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