the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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