walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
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I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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