I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
