two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
