You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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