the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
