I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize