I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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