The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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