Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
