dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
