I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
