I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
