I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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