one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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