I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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