fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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