he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
