Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
