If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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